When a Marriage Proposal Is the Deal Breaker

When Geraldine Oluoha went out to dinner with her then-boyfriend just before her 21st birthday in August 2023, she had no idea the evening would become a life-altering moment.

“I felt so sick in my stomach,” said Ms. Oluoha, now 22, who recalled the moment her ex-boyfriend proposed publicly at a restaurant — flowers in hand, mood-setting music filling the air, and eager onlookers holding their breath, waiting for her to say yes. But Ms. Oluoha declined.

“I would always say, ‘I would hate to graduate with a ring on my finger,’” said Ms. Oluoha, who was finishing her undergraduate studies at Abia State University, where she was studying accounting. “I fear getting married young, because what if I turn 25 and realize this is exactly what I don’t want?”

Additionally, Ms. Oluoha believed that a person should explicitly consent to a public proposal before being caught by surprise.

While marriage proposals are a joyful milestone for many couples, for others, they can mark the beginning of the end. Whether it’s an engagement ring that stirs more anxiety than excitement, or a grand gesture used as a Band-Aid for unresolved issues, a rejected proposal can unravel a relationship — a moment only made worse when played out in viral TikToks and social media posts.

“People consider public proposals romantic, but this isn’t a question for the public; it’s a question for your partner,” said Dr. Drew Ramsey, a psychiatrist and the author of “Healing the Modern Brain: Nine Tenets to Build Mental Fitness and Revitalize Your Mind.” “Name another decision with such huge health, financial and psychological consequences. You want to hear an unbiased ‘yes,’ but an audience creates bias.”

Dr. Catherine J. Mills, a licensed clinical psychologist and trauma specialist, advises paying attention to your initial response to the thought of spending your life with someone.

“If you feel excited, happy or at ease with the thought of marrying this person, this may be the right decision for you,” she said. “However, if you feel numb, sad or scared, your body might be telling you this may not be the right decision for you.”

For Liz Biddle, 42, a Virginia-based author, a public proposal in her 20s was the ultimate “wrong place, wrong time, wrong person” moment. It even inspired her book “Looking Past the Mirror: An Inward Journey,” which she wrote to help readers uncover deeper truths about themselves and their lives.

When Ms. Biddle’s ex-fiancé proposed at Disneyland in front of a crowd, she said she felt “trapped in the spotlight” and pressured to say yes. Despite knowing she didn’t want to accept, Ms. Biddle initially did, then ended the engagement and the relationship four months later.

“Some people want roses and to be put on a big screen, while others want a proposal in their living room. Ultimately, that’s how my current husband proposed to me, and it was perfect,” said Ms. Biddle, who was married in June 2021.

As difficult as turning down a proposal may feel, it’s OK to say no, said Colette Jane Fehr, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the host of the “Insights from the Couch: Mental Health at Midlife” podcast.

“It’s not your job to protect your partner from reality,” she said. “Don’t feel pressured to soften the rejection with excessive reassurance, as that may only cause confusion.”

Instead, Ms. Fehr suggests using tactful phrases like “I care about you greatly, but I don’t see myself taking that step with you,” or “I appreciate the effort you’ve put into this, and it pains me to say I can’t accept.”

People with an anxious attachment style should be especially mindful when considering moving forward with an engagement, as they tend to be people-pleasers, said Dr. Judy Ho, a licensed clinical and forensic neuropsychologist.

“They may say yes in the moment to avoid conflict or embarrassment,” she said. “They might also feel it’s more compassionate to say yes publicly and discuss it later. But that’s not the more compassionate choice — it’s a shock for the person when they think the proposal has been accepted, already imagining a future together, only to later learn that it’s not what you want.”

Dr. Ho suggests trusting your intuition and speaking your version of that truth when faced with a proposal that doesn’t feel like a good fit for your future.

Hope Williams, a professional speaker based in Maui, has turned down two marriage proposals — but she’s not second-guessing her decision.

“I believe in sharing life with your favorite person. I’m certain that 100 percent is out there, and I’ll know it when I find it,” said Ms. Williams, 41, who credits her parents’ 45-year marriage with modeling a mix of friendship and mutual fulfillment. “Trust your gut, push through the unease and you’ll grow. As soon as you stand up for yourself or make that tough decision, relief follows.”

While comprehensive data on the failure rates of marriage proposals is scarce, a 2022 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who openly discuss marriage and proposals tend to have stronger, healthier relationships. In contrast, rejected proposals are often the result of poor timing and mismatched expectations — whether it’s a ring that clashes with a partner’s taste or lingering, unresolved issues.

Fanneli Robles, the author of “Anxious to Wed,” learned this when she navigated her first marriage proposal when she was 27, on Christmas Eve in 2013. Despite longing for a proposal for years, the rush of excitement she’d expected never showed up — instead, Ms. Robles felt confused and overwhelmed with anxiety.

“I so desperately wanted to be married,” said Ms. Robles, 38. “I felt like all my friends were getting married and having kids, and I was afraid of being left behind.” But her boyfriend at the time was not the person she wanted to take that major life step with.

For many women, the societal pressure to “settle down” can feel inescapable. Questions like, “Why aren’t you married yet?” can stir feelings of anxiety, as well as create pressure to choose someone just to avoid being seen as “unwanted” or alone, Dr. Mills said.

“It is bold and courageous to live your truth when it goes against societal norms,” she said. “But it’s also a healthy choice.”

When reflecting on her failed proposal, Ms. Robles, who later found happiness with a man whom she married in 2019, said that “All the heartbreak, all the nights I cried — it was all worth it.”

Today, she urges women to prioritize their own well-being.

“If you’re with someone who isn’t right for you, take a chance on your happiness,” she said. “I would never have met my husband had I decided to marry my ex.”