My Relative Takes Forever to Reply to My Texts. What Can I Do?

I have an adult relative who fails to respond to my texts within a reasonable period. Eventually, she sends an apology for her delay and writes something warm to me. This prompts me to text again quickly, and the cycle begins anew. When she doesn’t reply, I sometimes send a check-in text — fearful of losing the relationship — and the pattern repeats itself. She’s on her phone all the time, and she responds quickly when she needs something. The next time she apologizes, can I text back: “Is it just me, or do you make all your friends wait like this?” Or maybe I should slow down my texts?

RELATIVE

Feeling fearful or hurt that someone doesn’t return our affection in equal measure is the most natural thing in the world. You are in excellent company! Still, we are not entitled to decide unilaterally on “reasonable” response times. (And what would they be, anyway: Five minutes? Five hours? Five days?) Don’t send a text that tries to guilt your relative into speedier replies. She is showing you — through her behavior — the pace of texting that’s comfortable for her.

Some people are slow correspondents. They don’t prioritize keeping in up-to-the-minute contact with chatty texters. If this is true of your relative, her response time has nothing to do with her affection for you. You don’t characterize your texts as urgent — about health or work challenges. And when she does respond, you describe her messages as warm. Pretty good, right?

Here’s my view, along with a suggestion: Sending texts to people does not obligate them to respond on our timetable. Still, I know that mismatched feelings of closeness can be hurtful in relationships. If that’s your concern here, stop sending idle texts and suggest an activity in real life: a dinner date or a walk in the park. Because it’s shared experiences that make us closer — not keystrokes.

All Right, You Have Our Attention

Is it OK to tell a co-worker that his constant throat-clearing is annoying? He does it every minute for 90 minutes at a time, and it’s so loud that you can hear it from several rows of workstations away. It drives me crazy! I think it’s rude to impose loud bodily noises on others. We all cough, but this is excessive. And noise-canceling headphones are not an option for me.

CO-WORKER

When I encounter a problem, I first think: What’s the solution here? Then I consider: Am I the right person for the job? Unfortunately, I think that you have diagnosed this problem incorrectly and that your level of annoyance makes you the wrong person to intervene. Please don’t take this as criticism! I sympathize with your aggravation, but I suspect that it will hamper a solution.

The problem here — in my view — is not bad manners. Your colleague’s frequent throat-clearing could very well be a medical condition caused by allergies, acid reflux or something else. And he may be unaware of his habit, as well as the underlying problem. Find a supervisor and share these facts. The person who speaks to your co-worker should be as concerned with his well-being as with your noise complaint.

W-2, Brute?

When I hire individual service providers — a housekeeper or a gardener, for instance — they tell me their rates, and when they show up weekly to do their job, I pay them. Often, I pay them the same amount for years because they never ask for an increase! Inflation affects them as it does everyone, but it seems paternalistic to tell them to raise their rates and how to run their business. Thoughts?

CONFUSED

With due respect for your concern about paternalism, if you, like most people I know, pay your housekeeper and gardener under the table — that is, if you are not withholding federal income taxes or making Social Security and other payments on their behalf, despite exceeding the legal cap — they have considerably less leverage than a traditional employee to ask for higher pay. You can replace them without a moment’s notice! So, if fair wages concern you, initiate a conversation annually about their rates.

Reassessing the Fit of Your Bedclothes

When I have houseguests, I make up the guest bed with a fitted sheet, a top sheet and a duvet. But my sister-in-law sleeps between the top sheet and the duvet. The problem: Without a sheet between her body and the duvet, I have to wash the duvet cover every time she stays — for cleanliness — and it’s a pain to remove it and get it back on. Can I ask her to sleep beneath the top sheet? Is it rude not to wash the duvet cover between guests?

HOST

Wrestling duvets in and out of covers is a hideous chore. I am totally with you! But consider this: When I am a houseguest, I often slip away and lie on the guest bed to read in my street clothes. Now, I don’t believe I am covered in filth, but I like to give guests a bed with fresh linens. I wouldn’t tell your sister-in-law how to sleep. But I would switch out the duvet in the guest room for a washable cotton quilt. (They come in different weights — and without a million tiny buttons!)

For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.