Our Daughter Expects Child Care Even When Her Toddler Is Sick. Help!

My husband and I, in our 70s, provide child care for our 18-month-old granddaughter. She spends two days a week with us and three days in day care. She is frequently sick, and we have contracted R.S.V., colds and the flu from her. When I suggested to my daughter that she keep our grandchild at home on the worst days, she replied that my germophobic anxiety was causing her anxiety and that she would use the day care full time. (She also said I needed professional help.) The issue: My husband is devastated! He wants to care for our granddaughter whether she is sick or not. But if he gets sick, I will, too. I mask, but I am still exposed. So I am reluctant to make plans with friends, and I cancel others, for fear of infecting people. Meanwhile, my daughter accuses me of rejecting her “gift” of spending time with our granddaughter. Help!

GRANDMOTHER

I’m sorry that your daughter spoke to you so unkindly — while you are doing her a favor, no less! I sympathize with her need for reliable child care, which is often difficult to find and expensive. But providing it is not your responsibility. You have already raised your children. If you and your husband want to pitch in, wonderful! But it is also reasonable for you to discuss your boundaries: Who will take care of the child when she is sick or infectious?

Even if your daughter moves her child to day care full time, there is still the question of sending her when she is sick. Contagious children are not generally welcome. And framing your sensible concern for your health as hypochondriacal — while she casts her own need for child care as a gift — seems manipulative.

So on to a possible solution: Your husband wants to care for your grandchild regardless of her health. Perhaps on days when she is ill, he can watch her at your daughter’s house. He should mask and wash his hands frequently. And if he is rigorous about this protocol, he may be able to pull it off without becoming ill or infecting you. If he can’t, child care experiment over!

Left Out in the Cold by a Seating Policy

For my partner’s birthday, I took her to the hippest restaurant in our city. Its website says that reservations are not accepted and that first come first served is a fair experience for everyone. So, we waited in the cold for 30 minutes. When we were next in line, we watched the staff push together several tables and even move an already seated couple to accommodate a party of six that was behind us in line. The host then told us that there would be no room for us that evening. Did the restaurant do us dirty?

DINER

Filthy dirty! Unless there is a proviso on the restaurant’s website that reservations are accepted for larger parties (which I see occasionally), I believe that you were treated unfairly. Call the manager to report your experience. The host may have made an error in judgment that evening. We all make mistakes!

If the manager does not apologize (or offer you a little something to lure you back), take comfort in the knowledge that even the hippest joints shorten their life expectancy when they treat customers badly.

The Presence-Is-a-Present Principle

My family plans to attend the international destination wedding of a close relative. I estimate that the trip will cost more than $8,000 for air travel, car rental, hotels and food. Still, we are delighted to make this trip for the happy couple. My question: What is our gifting obligation to the bridal couple when we will have spent so much to attend their wedding?

GUEST

In my experience of international destination weddings (grand total: two), the bridal couples implicitly acknowledged the cost of travel with a simple line on their invitations: No gifts, please. I complied and wrote congratulatory letters instead. So, check the invitation if you have not yet received one.

If the invitation is silent about gifts, let common sense and budget be your guide. Eight thousand dollars is a great deal more than you would normally spend to attend a wedding, I assume, and the bridal couple knows this. So, consider a token gift or a warm letter in lieu of your regular present, if you like. No wedding — not even one for a close relative — is worth breaking the bank.

Keeping Temptation Out of Craving Range

My partner has lost his taste bud sensitivity, so he doesn’t eat much. But he buys ice cream and says that eating it is therapeutic for him. I struggle with my weight, and it is hard for me to resist ice cream if it’s in the house. We have discussed this at length without resolution. Advice?

PARTNER

I also struggle with sweets. But that does not entitle me to prohibit my husband, with his speedier metabolism, from bringing them into our home. He lives here, too! Absent a more serious health concern, try our compromise: My husband keeps his candy and ice cream in his home office — away from the kitchen — and I have trained myself to steer clear of them. Could a minifridge work?

For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.