I Found Pornography on My Husband’s Computer. I’m Furious!

When I went down to our basement yesterday, my husband’s computer was on. I went to turn it off and saw a naked woman with large breasts on the screen. It took me a moment to realize: This is porn. I feel so wronged! Why wasn’t he more discreet? I am usually receptive to sex with him, but I feel as if he has poked a hole in the bubble of our intimacy. I am tempted to find a picture of a well-endowed porn star to leave on his computer. He says he’s embarrassed. He should be! My cousin told me that all men look at porn, but I feel disgusted and diminished as insufficiently buxom. Why are men such self-indulgent pigs? Is watching porn a slippery slope to cheating?

WIFE

Let’s acknowledge that you are really upset now — and that it’s healthy for you to express your anger. Be careful, though, not to let a rant become your reality: Your letter is brimming with unhelpful generalizations — that men are pigs, for instance — and logical inconsistencies. (If looking at porn is wrong, how would it have been better for your husband to have done so more discreetly?) I hope that you will feel less distraught soon and open to considering productive next steps.

It is vitally important for couples to negotiate the ground rules of their relationship — even, and especially, for issues that are uncomfortable to discuss. Yet, it seems as if you and your husband have never talked about pornography. Our culture is drenched in it, and many happily married people I know look at it. Now that you know your husband does, too, it would be better to discuss the issue directly than to shame him or to upload images of porn stars onto his computer.

Your sustained outrage will probably chill an important conversation about fantasy and monogamy — hello, romance novels! — and the possibility that looking at naked images of other people has no bearing on your husband’s fidelity or desire for you. It is not my place to dictate an agreement between you, but I recommend that you hash this out with him. If you need help facilitating that discussion, find a couples therapist soon.

My Glass, My Business

I have decided to stop drinking for a while. My Dry January revealed that I’m not loving my relationship with alcohol these days. The problem: Since I stopped drinking, I’ve had to field uncomfortable questions when I socialize. When I say I’m not drinking, people ask me if I’m pregnant or an alcoholic, or wonder why I don’t want to drink. Any tips?

ABSTINENT

Good for you for continuing to explore your relationship with alcohol beyond the novelty of Dry January. Let me share my experience: When I am self-conscious about something, I have a perverse tendency to make announcements about it — drawing attention to the issue. (It makes a kind of sense, of course: The subject is top of mind and therefore apt to tumble out of my mouth.)

But there is no reason to make a general statement about your drinking — even in response to direct questioning. That merely creates a subject for conversation. When the waiter takes your drink order, ask for club soda with cranberry juice. If your friends ask about it, tell them, “Alcohol doesn’t agree with me lately,” and leave it at that. Nothing I suggest will prevent rude people from asking if you are pregnant or an alcoholic. If they do ask, say: “No! Are you?”

What Is This Feeling, So Sudden and New?

My middle school is staging a production of “Wicked” that was adapted and cast by two friends and me. We are so excited! The issue: My best friend decided to work on the crew and has become the self-appointed overseer of the show. I’ve tried to signal that I don’t want her around, but she is oblivious. Is it OK to tell her directly?

FRIEND

If I understand correctly, this is a school play, so you probably don’t have the authority to bar another student from working on it. But you don’t have to let your friend take over, either. If there is a faculty adviser involved, share your concerns with him or her. If not, tell your friend nicely that her work on the stage crew does not entitle her to run the show.

After a Massage, Feeling Rubbed the Wrong Way

I booked a massage recently. When the massage therapist left me to undress, she made me wait eight minutes before she returned. When she began the massage, she started sniffling constantly. After 15 minutes of this (and her mediocre massage), I asked if she was contagious. I explained that I have a baby at home. She replied, “I’m not a doctor.” When I repeated my concern, she offered to stop the massage. I agreed. After I got dressed, the woman at the front desk told me there would be no charge for the appointment. But she didn’t apologize or offer to reschedule. I am appalled!

CLIENT

Why would you want to reschedule an appointment at a spa where you had a horrible experience? True, the spa personnel offered no apology — but not charging you for your appointment seems apology-adjacent. I would move on now and try to find a massage therapist you like better.

For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.