Help! I’m Insecure and Don’t Trust My Partner

Similarly, he and the woman at pickleball might bond over the fact that they’re both navigating relationships with people struggling with addictions, but he seems to disregard how the intensity of their interactions might affect you — or what need he’s filling for himself that goes beyond this commonality. (If this pickleball pal were a man, would he behave in the same way?)

All this is to say, your feelings matter — and it doesn’t help you, your partner or your relationship to keep them to yourself to avoid causing him discomfort. If you want to “live more securely,” you’ll need to show up authentically and ask the same of him. The goal of the conversation isn’t to tell him what he can and can’t do; it’s to let him know how his actions impact you and for you to understand where they’re coming from.

You might say something like:

I’m really enjoying our relationship, and I want to tell you more about me and learn more about you as we continue to get closer. When we play pickleball together, I feel excluded because of how you approach the woman we play with. I understand you have something important in common, but the intensity of the way you’re drawn to her leaves me feeling ignored and unimportant, like a third wheel. Something similar happens when you talk about your attraction to other women, and I wonder why you choose to share that with me. In the past, I’ve had a tendency to feel insecure; I also know that sometimes when I feel this way, it’s not about my past but about something that needs attention in the present. I hope that by talking about this, you might become more sensitive to my feelings.

It would be great if we could all enter relationships by handing our “operating instructions” to the other person. Instead, we learn how the other person operates — what buttons not to push, what makes things run smoothly — through direct and honest communication. The more we do this, the more we become attuned to each other’s emotional landscape, which allows each partner to develop an awareness of the other’s tender spots and treat them with care.

But if this doesn’t happen with your partner — if he continues to discuss his attraction to other women or doesn’t try to make space for you at pickleball (and maybe go to Al-Anon for the bonding and conversations about recovery that he’s seeking) — you’re still doing the work of learning to trust yourself. Because you’ll realize that what you experienced wasn’t the same old jealousy — it was wisdom. Trust it, and find someone willing to be gentle with your heart.

Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.