Hayley Williams Admits There Are Moments She’s ‘Wanted to Not Be Here’

Hayley Williams opened up about her mental health, how performing helps her navigate her feelings and why performing early on the Eras Tour was a dream come true.

“It’s very liberating,” Williams, 36, told Amy Poehler on the Tuesday, December 2, episode of her “Good Hang” podcast, discussing the freedom fans have to interpret her songs in their own way.

The Paramore singer admitted, “I love to write about stuff that will make you so depressed,” so singing for an audience is a way to “get that out.”

Williams explained how some of her hardest moments have become better through songwriting, including when Zac Farro and Josh Farro left Paramore in 2010, prompting her and Taylor York to pen “Last Hope.” (Zac, 35, returned to the band in 2017.)

“I just remember writing it and being like, ‘This is so sad,’ and unfortunately [that] is how I feel,” she recalled of the track, noting it wasn’t the first time her sadness seeped into her music.

Williams shared, “I’ve really struggled with my mental health. I’ve wanted to not be here plenty of times. That song kinda expressed that in the moment for me.”

Scroll down for more revelations from Williams’ “Good Hang” podcast appearance:

Hayley William Says Paramore Songs Have Power

Williams said on the podcast that while performing “Last Hope” at a Paramore show, she realizes “everyone in the room has survived so many things. And we’re all here. Half of us will never see each other again. It really does something to those types of songs.”

She explained, “I wrote them in isolation, and now here I am, not only [being] witnessed but bear[ing] witness to all these other experiences that have coalesced.”

Williams noted that her concerts allow her to believe in joy more than any other time in her life.

“Joy is a tough emotion for me because I don’t trust it. I always think the piano is going to fall from the sky,” she shared. “I think that’s why Paramore shows, at least for me, feel so joyous. I’m relying on a lot of other things. I’m not thinking so much about my own experience. When we can transcend our own experience, for me joy becomes more tangible.”

Why Hayley Williams Liked Playing Early on ‘The Eras Tour’

Williams is a headliner on her own, but when she performed on Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, she was an opener — and it was bliss.

“I love it,” Williams told Poehler, 54, of performing earlier in the day. “I’ve already told the team, if we get festival offers, please don’t make me play after the sun starts to go down. Nothing good is happening out there after the sun goes down.”

She joked, “I want to have a normal dinner” after the show and just relax.

Hayley Williams Has Blacked Out Once on Stage

“I blacked out on stage at ACL [Austin City Limits] the last album cycle,” Williams remembered. “PinkPantheress was on stage singing ‘Misery Business’ [and] I had this moment where I was like, ‘I just went out for two minutes and I came out.’ Turns out I was sick.”

Hayley Williams Didn’t Feel ‘Safe’ in the Band World as Teen

“I feel that once I entered the band world, the music, the climate, especially for, like, indie and more punk subgenres it didn’t feel safe to be a young girl,” Williams told listeners, referring to the start of her career. “I really shirked any aspect of me that was remotely feminine.”

Looking back, Williams said she realized it “really hurt” her to push down that side of herself as a form of protection.

“I did it to myself. No one asked me to do that,” she explained, claiming it was necessary because as a woman, “You’re always scanning for the dangers.”

Hayley Williams Says There’s ‘A Lot of Rigidity’ Around Her Femininity

“I remember writing very neutrally,” Williams said of her music process when she was a teenager, noting it wasn’t until she was in her early 20s working on Paramore’s fourth album that she “started playing around with my femininity more” and “wasn’t so ashamed of it.”

Williams confessed, “Because of that experience, I’m 36 and I’m still noticing places where there’s a lot of rigidity around my femininity.”

She said being more open about her sexuality and femininity is something she’s still learning to navigate. “It’s just kinda unfolding day by day,” Williams told listeners. “You go through rough times in your life, and each time I come to an obstacle, I’m like, ‘How do I do this better than the last time I went through something like this?’ And somehow femininity is always at the core of the issue.”