Gilmore Girls, Modern Family and Mean Girls Ruined Halloween: Here’s Why

No coming-of-age TV show or high school movie is complete without a Halloween episode or party scene. And if you were brought up on this stuff, you might still be waiting for your own Halloween to be just as wild, fun and spine-chilling as it was when you were too young or too self-conscious to be a sexy pumpkin. But, it turns out those creative geniuses in the writers room were simply trying to spice up another day at work because, IRL, Halloween is often just another mediocre Thursday, only with more flammable outfits…

The Lavish Party

In the fictional Halloween of our adolescence, the entire high school would turn out for the richest kid in town’s legendary Halloween bash. Think thousands of moody lights, fog machines, themed cocktails and mocktails with eyeballs in them and a vampire DJ who may or may not have actually been Mark Ronson. In real life, the Halloween party plan, whether for kids, teens or grownups, is usually a last-minute group chat where half the guests bail, and the rest show up with some luke-warm wine, half-hearted candy corn and maybe a broomstick.

Plus, perhaps we’re just not moving in the right circles, but nobody actually lives in a house like that.

The Eye-Popping Home Decor

It’s absolutely normal to wish you grew up in the Dunphy household, and never more so than at Halloween. You could always rely on the Modern Family guys to go all out in their pursuit of Halloween perfection with the scariest house on the block, thousands of dollars of decorations and many elaborate pranks. In reality, people have jobs. They simply do not have time to come up with this stuff. Oh Phil, please adopt Us.

The Elaborate Costumes

I’m a mouse, duh! As the Mean Girls voiceover goes, “In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”. The same applied in shows like Gossip Girl, where Halloween costumes were worthy of the Met Gala, and in sitcoms like New Girl, How I Met Your Mother and, of course, Friends, where costumes were either smoking hot or witty, punny and, above all, actually planned. In real life — at least, once you’ve graduated college and have actual responsibilities — it’s hastily-purchased drugstore monstrosities that fall apart in the event that they ever make the laundry. And if you do take the plunge and go more risqué a la Mean Girls? It’s on social media forever.

The Perfect Crunchy Outdoor Setting

Who doesn’t wish their neighborhood looked like Stars Hollow at Halloween — or in fact, all year round? On Gilmore Girls, every pumpkin is perfectly round and perfectly shiny and the weather is beautifully crisp at all times, creating the most flattering lighting — not that any of the reliably twinkly-eyed residents need it. In reality at this time of year, the streets are strewn with discarded wigs and depressed-looking pumpkins who’ve had their heads kicked in by drunk people dressed as werewolves.

The Magical Trick-or-Treat Experience

How many movies have you seen that set the Halloween scene with montages of adorable kids in hand-made costumes gleefully filling adorable spooky baskets with the colorful candy stash of their dreams? In reality, by 8PM many people are hiding inside with the lights out and a “We’re all out of candy!” sign on the door — and in the era of food allergies and wellness, many of those candy hauls are just raisins and disappointment.

The Award-Winning Pumpkins

You could blame Pinterest, or you could blame the many movies and TV shows with spectacular pumpkins in the background that we now realize were carved by incredibly talented Hollywood set-dressing professionals, after growing up assuming that one day we, too, would wake up with the skills to transform a root vegetable into a piece of modern art. In reality, pumpkin carving involves a slippery mess, constant frustration, and usually results in a lopsided cat face with one sad, drooping eye — and many finger injuries (still, real blood adds a certain authenticity). Plus, you have to figure out what to do with a mound of pumpkin guts afterwards.

The Perfectly-Scripted Terror

Shows like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Dawson’s Creek and even The Simpsons had some terrifyingly good Halloween episodes where paranormal events either happened or were eerily hinted at. In real life, the scariest thing you’ll likely experience at Halloween is running out of wine or realizing your costume doesn’t have a pocket for your phone charger. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll see a flickering street lamp on the way home.