Man With Big Bulge Busted at Border With Endangered Birds in His Pants

I peck your pardon?! A man is staring down 20 years in the slammer after a suspiciously huge bulge in his pants — which he claimed was his mighty man-meat — turned out to be … TWO. ACTUAL. BIRDS. Yes, this is real life!

Jesse Agus Martinez, 35, got stopped by CBP at the Mexico-U.S. border on October 23 after guards clocked a very questionable bulge in his trousers … and when they checked it out, they found two little brown bags stuffed in his underwear — each holding a rare orange-fronted parakeet.

The parakeets — which are critically endangered, according to the International Union for the Conservation of Nature — were breathing but heavily sedated, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Southern California.

Martinez told agents he stuffed the birds in his pants because he didn’t have the paperwork to bring them into the U.S. … and said he planned to keep them in a shoebox in his van.

He’s now been hit with a federal smuggling charge … and if he’s found guilty, he could be slapped with a $250K fine and up to 20 years in prison.